How to build a social support network

This article can be found on http://www.postpartum.net/ I know when I first gave birth it was my first child and I sometimes felt so alone and inadequate that I was not sure if I was "doing it right." I tried to get involved with other new moms so that I would be able to make friends and get out of the house. I joined a Gymboree program, as you can join with a newborn, my son was 8 weeks old. We not only were there for our babies, but we were there as moms too. We were able to talk about things and it made things better knowing that we all had some of the same thoughts and concerns. I took my son to Gymboree until at least a year and a half. In that time we went through tummy time, crawling, first time eating, and through it all we were there for one another. I still have some friends today that I made three years ago.

I was nervous at times as I did not know that I was going through postpartum depression. There were times that I was anxious, but through it all I still took him so that I would be part of a group of moms and know that I was not in it alone. I even booked my therapy appointments around the Gymboree time so that I made it a point to go. So if you need to build a support system, here is a great article.



How You Can Build Your Own Social Support Network
by Carolyn White, RN, BSN
Adapted, in part, from Peter Clarke and Susan H. Evans’s Surviving Modern Medicine:How to Get the Best from Doctors,Family, and Friends, 1998,
Chapter 3 “Seeking Social Support”(ordering instructions for their book can befound at the conclusion of this essay)

Please Note: This essay is meant as a preventative strategy for pregnant mothers, or those new mothers who are not depressed. If you are experiencing postpartum depression we urge you to reach out for professional advice and seek a support group in your area. Depressed mothers might find the following advice helpful, but they also might be too stressed to follow the advice offered.
Need Help? Access the PSI Social Support Network
INTRODUCTION
As a new mother, you may find yourself in a situation in which you feel completely unprepared, despite attending baby care classes, regular prenatal appointments and reading all the best books on pregnancy and parenting.
Mothers of newborn children often express sentiments such as these: “I didn’t know motherhood would be like this,” or “Nobody told me I’d feel this way.”
Isolation and performance anxiety (”am I doing this right?”) are common complaints, as well as fatigue, stress and loss of freedom (concerns linked to social support and assistance). Recognizing the need for social support and knowing how to obtain it are key to creating a healthy start for yourself as a new mother and for your family.
SOCIAL SUPPORT AS PROTECTION
Health and life expectancy are somewhat dependent on the quality of social relationships. Scholars at the University of Michigan reviewed a wealth of research on this topic, concluding that there is a link between social support and wellness. The value of emotional sustenance gains credibility, though, from demonstrations of how human warmth, even from strangers, reduces medical complications. In one example, physicians in the United States and Guatemala conducted controlled experiments in hospitals where cramped conditions prevented family from accompanying mothers in labor. In some cases, the mothers received support from a lay woman, in addition to the usual attention from medical staff. The lay woman calmed the mothers by talking with them, rubbing their backs, holding their hands or simply standing by as a friendly companion. Other women were left without such social support, but received the usual medical care from staff.
Mothers who were given unexpected social support, from a stranger, experienced fewer problems than those who received just the routine care.
Among mothers with uncomplicated births, length of labor from admission until delivery was cut in half. Mothers who were provided a companion were most alert after delivery; they stroked, smiled at and talked to their babies more. These results show that even a temporary, fragile social contact can bring positive outcomes for health; in this instance, for mothers and their newborns. Small wonder that the embrace of kith and kin might shield many from illness.
HOW TO BUILD SOCIAL SUPPORT
Considering the postpartum weeks and months as a time of major stress due to the complexity of physical and emotional adjustments, it would seem appropriate to assess one’s network of support and define ways to develop and enhance it for this time period and beyond. But, how does one go about this?
Below are five steps that will aid you in the process of developing a healthier network: taking stock of social support, naming names for social support, asking for help, persevering in support and keeping reciprocity in mind.
STEP 1.TAKING STOCK OF SOCIAL SUPPORT: A SURVEY
Think about these five different dimensions of support: emotional support, social network support, self-esteem support, tangible support and informational support. Below, each type of support is illustrated with sample statements that can help you assess the availability of that aspect of support in your life.
Types of Social Support
A. Emotional Support
I have close relationships that provide me with a sense of emotional security and well-being.I feel a strong emotional bond with at least one other person.
B. Social Network Support
There are people who enjoy the same social activities I do.
I feel part of a group of people who share my attitudes and beliefs.
C. Esteem Support
I have relationships where my competence and skills are recognized.
There are people who admire my talents and abilities.
D. Tangible Support
There are people I can depend on to help me if I really need it.
There are people I can count on in an emergency.
E. Informational Support
There is someone I could talk to about important decisions in my life.
There is a trustworthy person I could turn to for advice if I were having problems.
These types of support rank differently in importance, depending on your life style, existing support system, and perceived level of stress. Lets’ examine some varying points of view:
Say you rely heavily on accomplishments to reinforce your sense of self-worth, esteem support would be especially gratifying and important to you. This type of support can be lacking for a new mother at home, especially if you are used to working outside the home where your daily accomplishments are obvious and rewarded accordingly. Your new role of motherhood, and its accompanying tasks, will probably prevent you from accomplishing much that is recognizable, leaving you vulnerable to feelings of inadequacy or even failure. You may benefit from contact with people who can admire your abilities as a mother.
One aspect of early parenting that receives little recognition is the fact that having a baby changes relationships. New mothers have little time and energy for anyone but baby. If you are used to a certain level of intimacy with your partner prior to the birth, you both may be experiencing the shock of emotional isolation which can be devastating in the early weeks postpartum. The availability of tangible “hands-on” support, i.e. from parents or in-laws, is a priceless gift as it can provide respite for you, as new parents, allowing you time for each other. A supportive partner who will take over infant care periodically, allowing you time away from the baby, to get together with close friends, paves the way for needed emotional support.
Often you may feel daunted by the multiple decisions involved in day-to-day care of your vulnerable offspring, a being who is completely dependent on you for survival. Access to baby care experts, i.e. a lactation specialist or postnatal educator, or an experienced mother who can mentor you along can provide needed informational support. Confidence does grow and is facilitated by having trustworthy people to reach out to or fall back on when you need them.
The types of support you need will depend on your unique situation but remember, as a new mother, even if you are feeling joyous about the new addition to your life, you are experiencing a major life change and it is crucial that you have adequate social support.
EVALUATE YOUR LEVEL OF SUPPORT
Think of your current situation and try responding to the statements in each area of support above, using the answer “agree,” “disagree,” or “not sure.”
The entries can be used to describe the situation you are in, and, importantly, you can also use this exercise in a more diagnostic fashion if you ask yourself: “Do I need more support?” You might discover when examining network support, for example, that you don’t have many ties to other people with babies or young children. Or, perhaps you do have ties, but you are finding that you do not share similar attitudes and beliefs about parenting, so that these links are not feeling supportive. You may feel the need for the companionship and reassurance of other mothers with similar values. On the other hand, you may discover that you have few links with others in terms of hobbies and social activities. This could be an area you wish to develop in order to nurture the aspects of your personality that go beyond mothering.If you have decided you do need more support, then you are ready to identify people who can help.
STEP 2.NAMING NAMES FOR SOCIAL SUPPORT: AN EXERCISE
Most people have potential support systems in families, friends, interest groups, and often coworkers. To figure out the circumstances you face, take a sheet of paper and turn it sideways. Write the five types of support at the top (”emotional,” “network,” “esteem,” etc.). On the left side of the page, list these three regions of life: (1) home and extended family; (2) friendships, acquaintances, your specific interest groups, and other affiliations; and (3) workplace. Draw vertical and horizontal lines to create fifteen boxes, a grid into which you can enter an inventory of your social support network.
Start by putting the names of people into the boxes. Who can you ask for different kinds of help? Who is likely to provide help spontaneously? Think through daily routines and familiar places of visitation. Recall companions from the gym, job site, place of worship, childbirth education classes, etc. Some names will belong in more than one box. Some boxes probably will remain empty.
If you have some blank squares in your grid, consider if they represent areas of need for you and think about possibilities you haven’t considered or people who can help you figure out how to meet that need.
Completing this exercise may call for deep reflection and some detective work. Many writers have observed a loss of community in American society, where a sense of neighborhood has yielded to residential habitats (apartment blocks, condominiums, housing tracts) of mutual strangers who commute to different centers of work, shopping, and recreation. Many locations for informal public life have disappeared. This anonymity can be another source of stress for a new mother at home with her baby. The phrase “everyone is busy with their own lives” is a frequent observation by those in need of, or desiring, social support.
STEP 3.ASKING FOR HELP: ACTION PLAN
Asking for support takes courage on anyone’s part. Your own experiences may have convinced you that support from some people is more potential than real. Do not become disheartened. There are reasons why many mothers are reluctant to ask for support, and why others hold back from giving it. Asking, of course, risks embarrassment; admitting that you need assistance can jeopardize self-esteem. Feelings of shame are especially inhibiting if you are blaming yourself for being in need of support. Asking will come more easily, though, if you concentrate on just one potential helper at first, and a single thing that you want.
Choose someone, if you can, who is unaware of other social supports you may have, who will not retreat behind the “bystander effect”; people are known to be less likely to give help when they see others who might step in. Ask your target for a modest favor - simple advice, a single phone call of encouragement at a critical time, or one errand. By limiting your first step, you practice the foot-in-the-door strategy; gaining a small favor at first nurtures larger commitments when you need them later. Even more important, your success at reaching out in this early trial will embolden you to make other requests.
People may neglect to offer support unless you clearly invite their attention. Equally often, seeing people in distress can leave others feeling helpless; Do I know what to do, or will I only make the situation worse? Would-be helpers are often immobilized by their own lack of confidence or experience. As a new mother, you will benefit by having a ready list of things you need help with for those who volunteer the ambiguous, “let me know if you need anything,” or friends who ask “what can I do?”
It is OK to tell people what you need and how to provide it. Ronnie Kaye, in her book Spinning Straw into Gold, argues that the person in need has permission to be honest and open about feelings and to put his or her needs first without feeling guilty. Though not a new mother when writing her book she offers this guidance for anyone in a compromising situation: “when I thought of the difficult time that lay ahead, I took action immediately. One by one, I called all my relatives, aunts, uncles, cousins, as well as my immediate family. “I’m going through a difficult time,” I said, “and need your help. I am frightened and I feel alone. What I need most of all is a phone call once a week. When you call, I would like you to tell me…” Not a day went by without at least one phone call from someone in my family. Even though the reality of my situation hadn’t changed, those phone calls made me feel much more secure. I had learned that the best way to get what I needed was to ask for it. Once my family knew exactly what I wanted, they were only too happy to oblige.”
Kaye had arranged for emotional support. If you are a new mother who is depressed you may need similar reassurance. Requests might also go out for network support ” I want to continue aerobics with you, sew quilt’s together, start a play group,” or whatever. Securing esteem support often means meeting a co-worker or boss and asking him or her to recognize parts of the job you do especially well and to help you continue that level of performance during a period of diminished energy, as is often the case when a new mother returns to work. Or, meeting with other mothers you respect and asking for their positive input on your parenting choices or coping strategies can help you recognize your effectiveness as a mother.
In quest of a stronger social network, some general rules apply. Naturally, you will prefer contact with others who are supportive, can calm you down, celebrate your minor achievements, participate in diversions, affirm your beliefs regarding parenting choices, or encourage your determination to succeed. Seek companions who show respect for the difficulties you face, who resist labeling these circumstances as a catastrophe or, alternatively, resist minimizing them.
Your urge for ties should also acknowledge the special value of social support from people who are not kin. New mothers benefit greatly from meeting regularly with others whose experiences are similar. For example, a breast feeding mom will enjoy and learn from groups such as Le Leche League. A mother experiencing postpartum emotional adjustment problems will realize she is not alone by attending a local postpartum support group.
STEP 4.PERSERVERING: YOUR SUPPORT ACTION PLAN IS ONGOING
The necessity for support may be long lasting. For example, recovery from birth, especially a c-section, takes longer than commonly appreciated. AND adjusting to motherhood does not happen overnight. Effective social support is not a topical ointment and a Band-Aid, nor is it a quick fix. The goal is to assist you over time. Although the particular social support system you are creating now may not be adequate ten years from now, hopefully your awareness of the necessity for social support and the on-going task of creating it to meet your changing needs, is a skill you will find useful your entire life.
STEP 5.KEEPING RECIPROCITY IN MIND: REASSURANCE
Interpersonal relationships normally involve a “give and take” between people. Everyone understands this principle when the resources are tangible: money, ride-sharing, and the like. Companionship and emotional support are resources too, though imbalances in their exchange sometimes are more difficult to reconcile. Remember, people generally derive satisfaction by delivering acts of kindness and support to others. So don’t overlook the comforts that extending social support can bring. By asking for help, you may be, inadvertantly, helping others in return. On the other hand, once you have been in need you will welcome the chance to pay back favors extended, even if in small ways. Within your support network there will be opportunities for you to help others when you are more able.
Giving and receiving assistance and empathic acceptance helps sustain people’s lives. As we all know, positive and meaningful relationships lead not only to happiness but to optimal physical and mental health.
CONCLUSION
Make time and energy now to reach out to the support system you already have in place or to begin building and enhancing your support network. By taking one small step at a time you can create a little victory for yourself everyday. Getting what you need enhances your ability to give to your baby. You and your whole family will be off to a healthier start.
This essay has been adapted from Chapter 3 of the following book. If you would like to read more or order this book, please click on the title below.
SURVIVING MODERN MEDICINE: HOW TO GET THE BEST FROM DOCTORS, FAMILY AND FRIENDS, by Peter Clarke and Susan Evans, 1998. (Click Here to Read More or Order)
Need Help? Access the PSI Social Support Network

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